Thursday, September 27, 2012

Sorrow and Joy

Life has this amazing way of taking the best laid plans and ripping them to shreds. It has been quite a long time since I posted and a lot has happened. July passed quickly in a haze of pain, nausea, and frustration. Pregnancy was not kind and my body revolted. The death of my childhood dog caused a sadness to fill me for days.  August came quickly and with it lots of changes were brewing. Plans to move, a new job for my sweetheart, and the ever approaching date that baby would arrive.

Then September hit like a wave. New apartment in a new town. A brand new job for my sweetheart with a new schedule. The discovery that my little once was in a breech position and would be delivered via c section unless he turned. A tooth abscess less than a week before the scheduled delivery.

Then the hardest hits came rolling in. On September 9, my grandfather passed away. It still hurts to think about. He was so very excited about his first great grand baby and actually liked my boyfriend. Days before the little one's birth and he exited the world without ever meeting him. It hit like a ton of bricks.  Numbness overwhelmed me and the tears flowed for hours.

September 12, I checked in to the hospital for my c section. Tears still flowed at the thought that my grandfather would never be able to meet my baby. My baby was born and had the cord around his neck four times. He had a rough start and ended up being placed in the NICU. My heart broke and anxiety filled me. My parents stayed as long as they could after delivery before they had to leave for the funeral on the east coast. I was in the hospital for four days. After that my darling baby remained in the NICU for another week. I finally got to take him home on September 20 and I was overjoyed.

A week later, I find myself anxious and often sad. After a visit with my doctor, he believes that I suffer from postpartum depression and anxiety. I admit that I feel embarrassed and ashamed even though I know it affects many women.  I write about it now because I feel like I need to admit it even if it is only online to nameless faceless people. The doctor prescribed some medication and advised me on ways to cope with this.

It feels like months since the death of my grandfather and  the birth of my son. It feels like everything is moving in slow motion. I've learned a lot about myself and life the past few months. My heart has been broken and overjoyed. I've felt at ease and overwhelmingly anxious. It's amazing how fleeting life is and how suddenly everything can change. The universe cycles from death to life. With every pain, a joy springs forth. Sometimes it takes a while to see the joy and other times it appears straight away.

As the weather cools and autumn begins to descend, I find myself reflecting on this strange year with all the trials and joys. From the cold winter and shock of being pregnant, to the joy of having a new baby boy and the sorrow of losing someone. I wonder what the rest of this year will bring.